Obla-di Obla-dah...

Woke up to gray, rainy weather and was glad for 2.5 seconds that I have no job to rush to in the rain. That I could enjoy falling back to sleep in such dream-y weather. Of course that meant no more sleep came and instead I lay in bed for half an hour thinking of how I would do anything for a solid, boring, show up and do mundane tasks style job. I feel like I'm floating in limbo right now and it's (surprisingly) not the best feeling in the world.

At least I have the comfort of knowing its not just me who's feeling shook up right now. Look at Britney Spear's put in the back of an ambulance her weave half falling off of her head for all of the world to see.... Listen, if I'm losing my shit in a bathroom and I know that every cameraman in town is outside my front door then I would use the bathroom as not only a "I'm losing my shit" style place but also as a "I'm losing my shit but maybe I'll primp a bit before the world sees me losing my shit" style place...I'm just saying.

Hillary Clinton got teary yesterday talking about how much she wants to be President....typical woman...I KID! But seriously, good for Hillary! It's nice to see her evoke some emotion other than "fiery passion about health care" and "lecturing about change". P.S. Who chose 'Change' as Hillary's platform? What smartass did that? Is it a joke? I mean clearly electing her would be a change from Bush (even at the basic anatomical level) but I fail to see how it would be a change in how business is done.. And Obama! Oh sweet, passionate, able to connect with people Obama. He looks more and more like Abraham Lincoln - think about it! It's true! My brother said that Obama should grow a Lincoln style beard and he would immediately get elected. He would also have to avoid all theatrical events....

I'm reading "Appetite for Life" right now. A biography of the amazing Julia Childs, who once said she wished she had a talent instead of mundane success at a variety of things. She didn't realize her talent until her mid-30's. This gives me hope and makes this rainy day pass with less anxiety...maybe I'll go back to sleep after applying for one more Executive Assistant job...

Things that are Yay!:
1. Suddenly Spring Days in January - It always happens that one or two day stretch of warm weather in the dead of winter. Un-nerving, yes but this weekend and yesterday were some of the nicest days in a long time. I rode my bike! I didn't wear a winter jacket! It was great!

2. The New American Gladiators - We must all do things we don't want to do during this writers guild strike. For me that was watching American Gladiators...and it isn't bad. In fact if you can embrace the fact that there is a Gladiator named "Wolf" who howls everytime he is seen then it's almost fun...

3. Dorothy Allison - I just read Cavedwellers and Bastard out of Carolina...phew. What challenging stories but what wonderful writing! I have to thank Aimee and Heather for cluing me in to this.

Things that are Boo:
1. Shrinking Bank Accounts - Really?! Do I need to expand upon this?
2. Crappy Temp Jobs - I had one last week, it made me want to die, then it was over...at least the temporary part of it is a Yay!
3. Missing the East Coast - In a way that makes it feel like I just moved out here. I long for familiarity for a drive to the ocean...

For Really Reals.....No Really

Ok, I have been absent doing non-bloggy, "real worldy" type things for the past month....I also haven't wanted to blog, to share, to spew forth meaningful sentiments and thoughts because well, because I suddenly became unemployed a couple of weeks ago (Merry Christmas to me!). You have to understand that although I was unhappy at my new-ish (now suddenly gone, poof, dunzo) job I had no idea that A) I was doing a bad job, or even a semi-bad job B) things like being fired happened to me, I mean seriously I am demanding of myself and I just am still somewhat gape mouthed about the whole thing C)searching for a job during the most Holiday of times would be quite the experience that is has become.

In the grand tradition of my WASP-Y forefathers (and mothers) this is not a post to moan, to explain how terribly blue the days seem when all you want to do is something that feels vaguely useful that doesn't involve Monster.com or sitting at a computer revamping a resume that utilizes the terms "Administrative, Implemented process' and bookeeping" way too many times....Oh No this post is about making lemons from lemonade my friends. Below are my top five favorite things about this whole experience:

1.) Temp agencies all have the same automated tests - It's True! I am now registered with three different employment agencies and I have to say the worst part about the two hours it takes to register at these places is the testing. The Microsoft Word test, the data entry test, the Excel test...etc... I usually have The Dread about computer skills test that don't let you use shortcuts which are what everyone uses because, well because they are Awesometown and make things ten thousand million times easier! But after realizing that all temp agencies use the same testing software I had the last laugh! By the time I did the third agencies test I was a MENSA level computer skills genius......hoorah!

2) As an underemployed person - (phew, it still seems weird to type that)- you now have a legitimate excuse for not buying a Streetwise...

3) During the holiday season the last thing that people want to do is interview potential workers, although if you do get an interview be thankful and commiserate with them. I had an interview at a law firm the week before Christmas and we spent more time talking smack about O'Hare then we did about the position itself..I still haven't heard back from that company but, at least I had the pleasant experience of dishing about which terminal in O'Hare has the best Hudsons bookstore.....and let me say it was worth going downtown just for that....

4) When home for the holidays and underemployed realize that folks asking about your job while unaware that you until recently had a job and are still mourning the loss of that job aren't being cruel they are just being people. MAN, when you can't talk about the weather anymore people love to talk abut who works where... In this instance it is ok and not lying to pretend your job still exists because really nothing brings down the holiday spirit more than unemployement talk.....

5) When it seems impossible it really is ok. This is truth people. Bigger things happen in the world everyday then losing jobs or gaining jobs (i.e Pakistan, Iraq, cancer). If you are semi-literate, presentable and have a good phone voice (qualities I thankfully have) then you will get hired. You just have sit around watching Netflix for few days (La Vie En Rose - brilliant a bit long but the actress who played Piaf was stunning, No Reservations - Good, I wish I was Anthony Bourdain, Peep Show - One of the funniest BBC comedies I've seen, The Black Adder - Not one of the funniest BBC comedies I've ever seen, Rowan Atkinson slightly annoys me,yeah I said it!) until the holidays pass and all will right itself.

So, I went home for a week of crazy Connecticut Christmas madness...a post for another day - got a head cold lost entire portions of Christmas Eve and Day because of a deadly mix of cold medicine, slept on an air mattress in the basement of my Mom's condo, saw good friends, had lots of yummy food...yada yada...It was a nice break from all of the stuff I've listed above. During the Holidays it almost seems like everyone is unemployed.....

"Just the same old walkaways..."

So, life suddenly got bigger than this blog...which sounds almost too exciting...but really isn't. Life has switched rapidly from autumn (lazy sweater days, eating pumpkin pie) to winter (social obligations and financial stress). In between those two I visited NYC and my bestest friend, who moved there which was awesome and sad and way too brief. It's odd trying to have friendships as I grow older it seems to get harder and harder. Suddenly there doesn't seem to be enough time or enough of me to constantly keep the engine of BFF'dom going....

Thanksgiving was, I shit you not, the most delicious meal I've ever had. The boy I heart did some out of hand cookery, along with my next door neighbor. We ate and drank and the dog came over and visited and didn't tear apart my apartment. It was major!
the boy I love is moving/moved and it was quite the undertaking...An undertaking that he handled wonderfully.

I feel as though I'm suddenly boring but that can't really be the case, right? Maybe it's just that I've become one of those people who works and goes to the gym and goes home (yeah, that's right, the gym where I have been busting my cookies - a phrase I heart!- because all of my winter clothes are suddenly waaaaay too tight). Or maybe it's just this time of year - it gets dark at 4 and I'm not biking that much and so I have no hilarious "almost got doored by a car" stories...I feel vanilla, I feel boring and part of me is content with that which is scary.

To break up the monotony of me griping in an existential manner I give you this - a list of stuff I'm jazzed about:

1. Rice Pudding! - Mock not! Rice pudding has become an essential part of my day. Such as, come in check e-mail, have a cup of coffee, do whatnot and sundry and at around 11AM have a rice pudding break... It's like cottage cheese but way better! I don't know why I love it but I do!

2. Thanksgiving - Always a YAY! Yummy food, funny friends, plus my favorite dog in the world around made this Thanksgiving awesometown USA!

3. Project Runway - This season is still kinda "meh" for me = too many guest stars, projects are kind of blah. But I heart the Project Runway (just like everyone else) and I'm so glad it's back.

4. Holiday Times - And it begins the endless search for the perfect presents, the cold wind in the face, the winter and holiday times are here! HOORAH! I heart the hustle and bustle and the gifties - especially giving gifties! YAY!

Roots...

So I get a call from my Mom yesterday, she leaves a message that goes a bit like this, "Heathah (she has a wicked Massachusetts accent, for real..) I've done something I've never done before. Call me when you can." Now I heart my Mom, we talk every other day - which is way more parental contact then most of my friends have...she is the smartest lady I know. But part of me listened to that message and thought "Fuck, maybe my Mom has lost it!" I mean maybe the thing she had never done before was kill a man and in a fit of rage when her man-friend Frank didn't turn down the volume of the television (the man is 80 and deaf but refuses to admit it - this causes fights and for Wheel of Fortune to be broadcast from the tv nightly at horrendous volumes)...or maybe she had never done drugs before and was calling me high out of her mind - I mean she's my Mom, anything could happen...

So, I got out of work, biked in the wind (chanting, "please don't let me be blown over" like a mantra) down to Wellington and then back to my place and after checking that the Red Sox were handily beating the pants off of the Rockies (yipes, that was a rough game to watch and I'm no Rockies fan but talk about having your ass handed to you..) I called Mom up... I could hear the Red Sox game in the background - because she and her man-friend are perhaps the two oldest and most ardent fans, and I said, "What's shaking?" and she said "Oh Heathah! You'll never believe it! I was at the hairdressers today and she gave me a facial and then...THEN...SHE GAVE ME EYEBROWS!!!"

Yes, my Mom "got eyebrows" yesterday - I mean she always had them but they were blonde and I guess this kind hearted hairdresser dyed them back into existence. We talked about how many more exciting facial expressions she now had and how she was going to have them done again for Christmas which spontaneously led us to sing "I'll Have Eyebrows for Christmas" (which is just "I'll be home for Christmas" but with rearranged lyrics)...we are dorks and I love it!

Daylight, Moonlight, Time to go home...

My body is missing the weekend, missing it in a visceral "What the fuck happened to those two days we usually have to be lazy and take naps and do nothing?!" way. I was away this weekend, which seemed to me like finally my body was joining my mind which has been away for a few weeks now. I went on a retreat with the awesomest artists I know. We went to Michigan, a place I've never been but reminded me of Hebron, Connecticut and the backroads of Maine - i.e. it felt like home but not...

Sometimes I feel like I am bubbling over with words (many of them cleverly turned phrases incorporating various swears) but lately the well has been empty, and I suddenly feel like a peripheral character in "Idocracy". Does this ever happen to you? A dearth of actual verbiage, a sudden swarm of small talk with no consistency. This is a long way to tell you that instead of me babbling on here today it will be yet another list-style post...

Daylight:
Mornings are longer lately, it takes me at least fifteen minutes of "back to sleep" time before I can drag myself to an upright position. I've been shivering most of the bike ride to work, although I refuse to give it up. And no, it's not because I have some outstanding environmental initiative burning away inside of me or even because I hate the CTA..Nope, its really, simply pure laziness, it takes me only ten minutes to get to work when I bike which means I have twenty extra minutes to lie in bed....

I remember autumn days when I was younger cocooned in the fall colors of the Northeast. Helping to rake the back yard but really just spreading the leaves everywhere by jumping into the piles we would rake together. Swaddled in an oversize sweatshirt of my mom's, lying in front of the fire while my brother and Dad shouted at football games. This time of year makes me nostalgic and lonely and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Work has become less strenuous which, oddly enough makes me kind of nervous that maybe I'm just not giving it my all...but, no, I'm pretty sure I'm giving it all I can and I still heart it! I especially heart all of the folks I work with who are the most dynamic group of smarties I know, outside of Serendipity and Dave and I's magnificent brain trust, of course... We all have to make videos - to make our company's website more "Web 2.0" (which is a term that makes me laugh because really, 2.0??) And I was the first to go. Which I wasn't really aware of, I thought we would all make them and share in the peculiar experience of watching yourself on a computer monitor..but no...it was just me...And let me tell you nothing is more awkward than realizing that you are writ large across all of your co-workers monitors talking nonsense about how much you love your bike...I'm still blushing..

Moonlight:

Netflix is great! It is the best replacement for theatre I've ever found. All of a sudden I am watching more movies and mini-series and dorky documentaries then I thought I ever would! It is AWESOME!

Besides consuming mass quantities of BBC min-series and old Frontline episodes I've been seeing much more of the boy I heart then I was a month ago...and it is lovely! I get too much into my head unless I have someone around to pull me out and I missed him and getting to babble out the details of my day to him every night.

I found myself wandering around a hunting campground this weekend (Yay Serendipity retreat!) and looked up at the night sky and realized that it had been a good couple of years since I had seen stars. And I went through the whole thought process I always go through when I see them... "Stars are pretty, so vast so far away, they want me to think poetically, why can't I think poetically about stars? why can everyone else do it, I mean every other poem includes stars in some form or another, wow I love Stars the rock band, I can't wait to see them soon"...and so on until suddenly it stopped, the constant inner monologue ceased and I could just breathe and look at the sky and know that in that moment it was all good...

THINGS THAT ARE YAY!:

1. Being Loved- is great and I'm happy that more than ever I feel like the most loved Heather there is....totally cornball I know but, truly true!

2. Michigan- Perhaps my favorite Midwestern state, probably because it reminds me of the rural Northeast!

3. Being Part of Something- something bigger than myself, an art collective (like Broken Social Scene but better!) and we are going to change the world!

Going, going, gone....

This is how it's been lately friends, a long slog through a foggy street. Each day passes and moments cling to the ridges of the thumbprint of the day. Moments of laughing with friends, of despair over the amount of work and responsibility that has invaded my life, moments of complete utter boredom and/or complete utter wonder with the here and now.

I can't explain how off kilter the sudden Chicago-style changes in seasons throw me. Nothing makes me wish to be back East more than autumn time....I was talking to a friend this past week (a week that literally got to be over 90 degrees - in OCTOBER! a heat wave that everyone was saying "Isn't it wonderful?!" about when NO! It isn't "wonderful" it's bizarre and grody) about how Chicago has only about two days of fall weather before it starts throwing winter in your face in a big bad way. She disagreed, saying "But that IS what fall is!" and maybe it IS what fall is here but, I was spoiled, like a rich child who has always eaten Cocoa Puffs and never had the knock off generic brand. I grew up where fall is a month or longer of playing in piles of leafs, eating apple fritters at harvest fairs (did anyone else burn with the jealousy of a thousand Tonya Harding's when, in elementary school, classmates got to ditch school for a day and go to the Big E?! They would come back full of tales of farm animals, cotton candy and carnie games...), of mornings that smelled like burning leaves and frost, haunted hayrides and overcast days that competed with crystal clear tinge of autumn days - days that are so still and peaceful and perfect for reading books and drinking hot apple cider and watching Anne of Green Gables on the PBS pledge drive...Yes, that is Fall and no place does it better than New England. I mean, c'mon it's one of the things EVERYONE (Democrats and Republicans alike) can appreciate about that area of the country...le sigh.

I haven't written here in a while due to a combination of intense ennui (I have been sighing so much it's like I'm fifteen all over again) and the overwhelming need to do actual work at work.. So instead of rambling on for paragraphs of pretty words (which I can do, I've been ups since 6 am this morning, rambling run on sentences is about all I CAN do). I'm just going to kick up a quick list of Yays and Boos....

Things that are Yay!:

1. New Hair - I was sick of my old hair - had a uniquely girly freak out about a month and a half ago where I couldn't look in a mirror without shuddering. And even though I had JUST gone and gotten my hair cut etc...I made an appointment and got a wicked awesome bob and dyed my hair much darker than it's been in a whie. I was scared friends, scared that I would turn out looking like the fabulous Liza Minnelli who, let's be honest here does not have the most fabulous hair in the world - it kind of looks like a spider of a wig fell on her head and chose to nest there...But, no Liza Minnelli spider-hair here friends! Only a fabulous bob that is short enough not to get caught in any scarf I dare to wrap around my neck this winter. Yay!

2. Good Books! - What a great time to be alive and literate! Seriously, I have read so many great books lately: The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Safon, a book that literally I couldn't put down and read in three days. Three days of walking around zombie tired from staying up late reading about the cemetery of forgotten books and a mystery that made my brain hurt from the goodness of it all.. what a gorgeous book! , The Glass Castle Jeannette Wall - Disturbing and touching and mind boggling that it is non-fiction and that someone was brave enough to write about their life in such a bare bones way. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl - Don't be intimidated by the slightly too cute title, or the murder/mystery description on the back cover. Just buy, borrow or steal this book and enjoy every last clever description, plot twist and then please find me so we can discuss the ending! Hiding Out by Jonathan Messinger - Holy crap! I read this book in one night, completely shunning the Battle of the Bulge on Ken Burn's The War, not because it's easy to read or I wanted to burn through it but because it was compulsively read-able. It is full of concise stories that have the most beautiful descriptions of things, people, life that it made me think in clever, lyrical one-liners for the rest of the night. Buy it and love it!


3. Documentaries - I have ALWAYS been a fiction fan - both in film, art and books. I mean non-fiction stuff has always seemed, well, just so actual and real...what's the point I always thought? Isn't life itself real enough without escaping into more reality? But, then I started to watch PBS like it was my job and suddenly I couldn't get enough Frontline and POV and I was hooked. (Listen, I don't have cable, there is no "Oh, I'll watch the newest episode of Weeds option. It's PBS or Two and a Half Men, the choice is easy) And then Ken Burn's The War came on and I'll admit it, I'm not working on any shows (except 2nd Story! Which YAY! 2nd Story this Sunday, come drink wine and hear amazing stories!), and Dave has maybe been kidnapped by the Film Festival so free time is in abundance. So, I started to watch and suddenly I'm having end of the night conversations with the boy I heart where I eagerly say things like, "We've taken France! I think our boys will be coming home soon!" and comparing production meetings to the meeting of Churchill and Roosevelt...It was biased for sure, and it was overwrought yes but, hot damn it was great! I also just signed up for Netflix solely for the reason that I want to watch the Seven Up series which follows fourteen British children from the age of seven, checking in with them every seven years..fascinating shit...and yes! I signed up to Netflix for a dorky reason but, really if you saw my queue you would realize that the dorkiness runs deep!

Things that are Boo:

Missing the boy I heart - The boy I love started working seven days a week fourteen hours a day approximately a month ago and instead of getting used to five minute long conversations and only seeing him twice I week I still miss him every day with all of my heart. The electric ache of loneliness and longing has entered the picture and it is a boo...thank god this crazy schedule ends next week which is a Yay!

Doing Too Much and Expecting to Do More - I try to do a good job whenever I do a job and I will push myself harder than most but, lately the job I heart most (which I STILL heart most even though it's overwhelming me a the moment) has become a series of days where everyone wants a piece of me and tasks increasingly centered around financials which I went to college for theatre specifically to avoid. It's a fine balance between loving my job and sacrificing my free time to keep up with my job and I'm still finding the correct mix.

Birthdays are the Best Days

Every time I ride bikes with the boy I heart I think of this - the time in the Muppet Movie when Kermit and Miss Piggy ride bikes and the other Muppets join them and the reprise of "The Rainbow Connection" swells and general Muppet joy abounds...That's what riding bikes is for me - a chance for freedom, a chance to go wherever in the city my heart and legs decide to take me, a way to spend time with people I heart in a fun way... Well, that's what riding bikes is like for me most of the time: like the time Dave and I saw steel being made ONLY because we were riding bikes back to Wicker Park OR the time a UPS driver shouted at me "Are you turning left" and I said "No" and he replied "Then I'll let you go ahead Miss" and I joked "I don't want to mess with you and your truck" and we shared a laugh..

But sometimes riding bikes can hurt. Like, say it's your birthday and you are riding up Clark near Wrigley Field and it's a beautiful day full of yummy mexican food and drinks with a friend who is one of the best in the world to me, and going shoe shopping together and laughing that the DSW has a whole section (a SECTION people!) of metallic shoes, which is too much shiny even for me! And you maybe buy a cute pair of shoes (black mary janes the color and style that are like crack and this is the THIRD pair of black mary janes I currently have, which is redonkulous!) So, say your two blocks south of Wrigley Field and the wind is gusting and you foolishly hung the bag with the shoebox on your handlebars and in an instant the shoebox is jammed between your knee and the handlebar and a gust of wind comes and your are slow motion falling - until you look up and you are lying, actually LYING on Clark looking up at a car that thankfully stopped to witness your tumble from the bike you love, the bike that brings you Muppet-like joy...That's when bikes are not the best...

The rest of my birthday weekend was full of good stuff; good food, good friends, more good food, good time with the boy I heart and good time pottering around the apartment by myself. The silence of autumn has come to Chicago and it's nice, to just sit still for a bit and read a book....I guess it's just a sign of how old I've become.