Cold Hands, Warm Heart

The city looked like this today, shrouded in misty, gray rain'ish blech. It was miserable to walk in but to look out from a warm window on the 20'something floor of a downtown building it was gorgeous. Chicago is like any city I guess, it has different faces that it shows at different times of year and the in between times are what get me...there's nothing like late fall/winter here that makes me want to laze around and listen to "Kind of Blue" and act dramatical and mysterious. I mean don't get me wrong it also kind of sucks because you know that after the first few days of being in awe that streets that used to pulse with heat during the summer are now frosty and feel so much wider and more desolate, you know that the shift has occured and days of bike rides and walking without wincing, and being able to wear skirts are long gone. Not just long gone but gone for a good almost six months...But right now, right now I'm savoring the ride in on the El, looking out at this mysterious re-made city that the rest of the country is looking at, hell the rest of the world is looking at and it is all so hushed and seems like it is only mine.

Enough poetry you say - get to the nitty gritty...Well, it's official due to the fact that there is only 45 minutes of daylight per day now I have become a hermit again. I have no motivation, like even as I type this I am willing myself to type the next word. Everything seems so exhausting, you know...that sounds completely melodramatical but it does seem lately that even simple tasks take a maximum amount of energy. I want to crawl inside a warm loaf of bread and live there, just napping, waking up to eat warm yummy bread guts and then passing out again...this is a dream friends, a dream that I hope in this new Obama era we can realize...i'm kidding...kind of..

Speaking of Obama, let me just say this... To be alive now, to be lucky enough to be in this city on Election Night is a moment I will never forget. It was a moment bigger than myself, one of those "holy shit, we are all connected and I can actually feel it" moments. I was at a bougie Election party (bunting and caviar oh my!) and we literally ran downstairs and danced in the streets. And it was so warm in Chicago that windows were open and up and down my block you could hear people screaming....It was amazing.

Work has been a bit of the hard times lately, as I can imagine everyones works have been. We have had layoffs and everday when I'm walking in I can feel my stomach tighten and the thoughts of being unemployed last year at this time and not knowing if I can do it again, the endless temping and trucking around in the dead of winter to answer questions about why being an adminstrative assistant is my dream job..I'm lucky I work with folks who make me laugh and point out that our section is so recockulously busy right now that there is no time to really sweat the bigger picture, and that we are all in the same boat.

I end with this tid bit - this snapshot, if you will (and I know you will), of my life. My man friend and I went to get winter coats last night...yeah, that's right we stimulated the economy (which p.s. please do, please buy things, because if not we might fall into a deflationary perioid and that shit could last for years and be like super duper bad times, so stop today and buy a little something, even a cup of coffee...) My awesome work friend had gotten a hot shit long down coat at Kohls and so we went there. Part One: Don't wear a coat when you are shopping for coats - don't be a dumbass like me and have to juggle a purse and your original coat while trying on new coats, it's a pain in the ass. Part Two: I thought Kohl's was like KMart or dare I say it, WalMart...if you also think this, you are wrong, wrong my friends. Kohl's is actually like Macy's prices, which must be why they have sales all the time because LISTEN I am not paying $70 for a sweater, I may stimulate the economy but not to that extent. Part Three: New coats are The Awesome. I got a knee length down jacket and that shit is like a comfy sleeping bag strapped to my back it has elevated my train naps to a new level of coziness. The man friend got a hot shit coat that has a fleece attached and now we are all set to survive another Chicago winter...

Things that are Yay!:
My Mom - She sent me not one but two great books, which I read cover to cover in 2.5 seconds. The first "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" (cutesy name but awesome book) by Mary Ann Shaffer is just great. It tells the story of a literary society on the Island of Guernsey (between England and France) that was started during the German Occupation during WWII. It has funny moments and sad moments and characters that you wish existed in real life and lived next door. She also sent me "Truth and Beauty" by Ann Patchett which is a memoir about her friendship with the poet/writer Lucy Grealy. It's not a story about Ann Patchett's life or Lucy Grealy's life but about the moments of their lives they shared and the complicated friendship they had. It was gorgeous.
The Man Friend - Just always a super yay! I'm so glad it's winter and I have someone to be cozy with..barfy but true.
Thanksgiving!!- Best. Holiday. Ever. We have already met and talked turkey and this year the thanksgiving festivities are going to be both tasty and wonderful.

Things that are Boo
Being Chilly all the time - It's that time of year again when my hands are never quite warm enough...boo...

Shimmy Shimmy Ya, Shimmy Yay

Before I begin apologizing profusely for never finding time to write my inane stories of biking mishaps and rants about public transportation (which, p.s. LADIES if you have a ginormous tote pull it in front of you when you are riding on a train. I rode for forty minutes with a Coach bag poking a hole in my side this morning, for fucks sake share space humans!) let me just say two things - 1.) Yes, the market is that bad. It is. Believe me, I work down the hall from a trading floor with a sticker that has been perputually red for the past month and YES it is that bad and YES we needed to act as a country to stop it. Believe me "Wall Street" greed got a lot of help, bitches weren't the ones signing mortgage agreements they couldn't keep. I have moved past general confusion about what the fuck is going on (because I am a theatre major and they don't really require macro-economics in a B.S. Stage Management program - it probably would have been more helpful then Acting for non-majors, but I digress..), past the daily stomach aches and panic attacks (because YES it really is that bad), to a place of innoculation - I am not rich which means I have nothing to lose, I can only do the best job I can with my life and stop freaking out... Part 2)Fall is here! OH MY GOD BLESS AMERICA I'm so happy! I heart the Fall, the leaves the sweaters, the cozying down with cute boys because it's cold out...so good! Within the last week I have made two (TWO) apple crumbles and this where part 2 comes in. Does anyone know how to keep the apples from releasing all of their watery apple goodness while baking? I am like Queen Super Yummy Crumble Top maker - the tops of these bad boys are crisp and perfect but what lies beneath, oh friends, it is all watery...Help please all two people who read this!

So, I guess September has come and gone. I finally went home and it was sad and lovely and everything that it was supposed to be. I had a birthday that actually turned out to be one of the nicest I've had in a while thanks to good friends and hot manfriend and the cool cats who I create the art, known as the theatre, known as the 2nd Story, with... I don't know if it's particular to this time of year or time of life but I feel like I'm lagging behind lately. It seems to take mountains of energy to do simple things and I've hit a two week period where I feel like I'm constantly doing things I have to do instead of things I actually want to do. Life is puttering along though - crumbles are being made and shows are being seen and friends are being bff'd out with ...it makes the idea of tap dancing with tin cans on my feet to earn money if the market crashes seem so insignificant...

Things that are YAY!:
1. Emotionally Weird by Kate Atkinson - I cannot lie I have a lady crush on Kate Atkinson - I have read almost everything she's written and it is brilliant. Really clever, engrossing novels with these characters - OH GOD these really flawed, fabulous characters....
2. Netflix Update - Flight of the Concords - Brilliant! I had heard it was so funny and now it is confirmed...the songs alone make it hilarious but the bonus of the characters is great! Mad Men - We just finished watching Season 1 and let me tell you this is a gorgeous show and the actors truly act their faces off...so good. The Hills - Season 3 of the show that got me through Unemployment Crisis 2007 is meh..yeah, I said it it is just meh.
3. Yummy Fall Food - Crumbles and squash and baked sweet potatos!!

Things that are Boo
Being exhausticated constantly - I could Rip Van Winkle it, for real! Someday, I will pay back the Bank of Sleep for all of the hours I owe it....

Light Head, Heavy Heart

What do you do when you lose something? Shouldn't there be some sort of code of humanity written saying, "Ok it happens to everyone, here is the right way to handle it." Someone I love, who has been a constant in my life is passing away right now and i wish more than anything that this, the truest and most sour part of life could just stop, just go away for a bit and give me time to get home and say my goodbyes. Loss is hard - it sets off a chain reaction of memories and feelings and I want more than anything to hobbit myself underground until it all passes. Glibness and cleverness do not live in this part of my life so this might be a bit of a downer of a blog....

I was sorting through my stuff last night (stuff is the only term I can think of that encompasses a billion journals and mix tapes and books and paintings and letters and oh, god you know stuff) and I came across a cd I made a long time ago for someone who, at the time, meant the world to me in the sense that he was the world to me and wow was I a youngie or what - that at one time that was enough - that my world could begin and end with one person and that person wasn't me - and I popped it on my stereo (iRa the iPod is still only playing in mono and I'm sorry but this girl needs a bit of stereo now and then which is why cd's were unearthed). It took me back like only music really can, it can capture a time better than a picture or words or my own memories. And suddenly I was back there, back a few years ago - living in a crappy, falling apart apartment with two of my besties living a life that seemed so complicated at the time and in retrospect was so easy...I needed that moment, that crystalline moment of memory to realize that I have gotten off the path of my life and want more than anything to be back where I was (minus the terrible boy situation, I'm so lucky not to be there anymore, I mean he's great but I'm waaay better than that situation let me be). I've decided this Fall is the Fall of Heather getting back on track, creating again whether it's taking pics with the hello kitty camera or finishing that paint by number I started three years ago (yipes!), or making collages and mix cd's again; taking time to appreciate what I have and to grow it into more...

I can hear you yawning (or maybe it was just Sasha the dog yawning, which would make more sense since she is sleeping next to me on the couch). So I will end with this tale of "Heather's Redonkulous Life." I was biking home this week (yes, biking is back - thank god or I would have no funny tales to tell) and let me tell you Blue Steel (my bikest of bikes) and I have been duking it out lately, he does not want to ride in 7th gear and let me tell you Chicago is flat and 7th gear is the only way to go (well, 8th is probably the only way to go but I am too out of shape to really test the limits of physics that way). So, I'm stopped at a stop light, gearing up for yet another gear grinding moment when I say (in a physical way, not in a verbal "look that crazy girl is talking to her bike" way) to Blue Steel "kick it into gear bitch, let's go!" and another biker pulled up near me. And I hate it, always have. I hate having to be physically active in front of anyone else, I mean it's one thing when you're at a gym b/c everyone is doing the same sort of thing, but otherwise I get all flustered and embarassed and end up falling or tripping, OR walking so quickly home from the bus stop to prove that I am as fit as everyone else that my dress gets caught up in my backpack and everyone sees my underoos (true story, happened when I was in high school, didn't realize until I got home, wanted to die)...SO, another biker pulls up and I'm gearing up to fight with Blue Steel because we are going to pull out from the light quick and prove that we are physically fit and just before the light changes I look back and the other biker is a reeeeeallly old lady who smiles sweetly at me and says hello and I said hi back, and took off down the street laughing that this is how life is, it fools us everytime....

P.S. Another example of how redonkulous my life is. I almost choked on a chocolate Dunkin Donut munchkin this week at work, and as I was gasping for air a loud firm voice said in my head "We are not dying like this! We are not dying like a punchline for a Mama Cass joke" and that my friends, that voice, saved my life...Because really?! Choking on a donut, is just one of the worse ways to go...

Things that are Yay!:

It's a pig, a pig who hates mud so they made it little green booties and god bless Jonathan for telling me about it because this makes me smile everytime I see it!



The Olympics - STILL making me nerd out and stay up waaaaay too late...

"The Last Summer of the World" by Emily Mitchell - A great book about WWI and Edward Steichen and it's historical fiction and full of moody artists and war and love and secrets and Oh! just read it because it is super good!

My Man Friend Who lets me cry when I need to and makes me smile whenever he can...the good stuff...

Things that are Boo
Wishing I could just get home already - So frustrating...

Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines

Is anyone else losing sleep, walking around work bleary eyed because of the Olympics? I'm telling you, you know you are officially Oldsy Oldson when you are nodding off during gymnastics, thinking "Just have to see one more floor routine..". I remember during high school when the Olympics were like a summer gift - a chance to spend all the time that normally would be spent lying around listening to ani difranco reading Blake Nelson's "Girl" (and other productive stuff like that, I mean one summer I learned how to drive..on a standard car, you can't front on that) and to stay up into the wee hours watching girls my age with about 1% of my body fat perform crazy tricks. It's funny I always forget about the Olympics until the fever strikes every four years and I learn all sorts of redonkulous facts (have you heard what Michael Phelps eats everyday?!) and then promptly forget them. Hoorah Olympics! Although Boo to China for making those six year old girls put on pounds of glitter make up and tumble around for medals..

Life has been jam packed lately...I mean really can someone slow this summer down because this is vaguely ridiculous. Last week my bestie came to town and it was so good to see him! There are friends who you like to drink wine with and see once in a while and then there are friends that all of that is true and then some. Friends who are part of your family, brothers from another mother and Mikey is one of those. He was in town for a wedding, a wedding that was impeccable and both the brides were shining with happiness and looked gorgeous and featured fireworks (meep! yay wedding!). Then I began my first week as a full employee at the job and let me tell you, it's good to be officially official. I mean it's a bit anti-climatic because I've been doing the job for three months now but, after months of job interviews and worrying it's nice to have a steady position, especially with such nice folks.

And so it goes, huh? Today I biked around all of Chicago, doing 2nd Story sound stuff (we are organized now, watch out world, we are going to blow your mind with sound!), and having yummy dinner with a friend who always amazes me with what a stellar friend she is and just one of those people who makes me wish I had half the spark that they did. Now I am sitting on the couch with Ziggy (dave's cat) curled up next to me making weird kitty sleepy noises. Women are running sprints on the television (in the "birds nest" which, pardon me Olympics I know you're going for literalism here but really?! It just makes me think of this terrible tangle my hair got into one summer that only a professional hairstylist could get out while she lectured me the whole time about proper hair brushing, it was awful)...all is right with the world!

Things that are Yay!
1. Bookstores - The boy I heart and I were biking yesterday and I got kerfuffled because we were on Halsted and there were all of these SUVs and the Air and Water Show jets were breaking my eardrums and we stopped and I was cranky and Dave said, "Do you just want to bike down the block to the Borders?" (this is why we heart him) and it was exactly what I needed, bookstores are magical places.
2. The Olympics - Awesome! Commentators, not so awesome, actual events are the awesome part!
3. Good Friendies - Always a Yay!

Things that are Boo
1iPod still broken - makes me want to implode

Le Sigh

What a weekend! Packed with theatre - yes, that's right I did what I never do and actually saw theatre that other people make (people who I know and heart but, I mean, all the same..). I wonder if it's painful for musicians to go to concerts or for artists to visit the MCA or if it's particular to theatre folk that the last thing we want to do (or Disclaimer: I speak for only myself lots of folks are in love with the theatre and see it all the time) is to sit in a dark space watching actors emote. Particularly as a stage manager - it's so hard for me not to count the lighting instruments in the air or think, "wow that scene shift was f'ing EPIC". Long story short I saw three great shows this weekend and it was awesome! Of course all of them closed this weekend or I would pimp them out (to you, all three readers of this long defunct now suddenly viable again blog). Speaking of pimping out - check out www.storiesandwine.com and come to The Spot this Thursday for some dirty 2nd Story action...it's going to blow your mind!

The boy I heart left town this morning - which P.S. I heart him so much that I got up at bleep o'clock to drive him to Midway and then navigated the Stevenson on the way back to the city - which yeepers meepers highway driving in someone else's car makes me such a nervous Nelly that I had to put Bon Iver on my iPod and think happy thoughts just to get through it.. It's so strange when someone you share a life with is gone for a bit - it's even stranger that he is visiting the Homeland (also known as beautiful Connecticut - ah, CT in the summer, the ocean and frozen Charleston Chews and Friendly's watermelon roll...how I miss you!) which is something we usually do together but due to vacation timing (or lack of vacation for me, yay temping!) it just didn't work out that way.

It looks like I am going perm at my temp job (benefits and sick days and 401K Oh My!) and I am pretty excited to make it officially official. This is the first job I've ever worked (that wasn't stage managing) where it was actually work, like honest to god, every minute I'm doing something work. Plus the folks I work with work just as hard AND are some of the nicest people I've met in a long time. So, yay! Not taking a vacation pays off some times...

I fell on the way to work a week ago, like a clumsy doozer that I am, and scraped my right knee up pretty badly (P.S. I just had to make the L and non-L with my hands to figure out which knee I scraped...ah, lack of sleep, how well you make me function)..I haven't had serious ooky, gross wound-age like this in a while. Let me tell you knees bend and scabs don't and that's about as detailed as I'm going to get. It's healing and I hope it gets better by the time my friends Jo and Nicole's Yay! Lesbian Wedding gets here next week. Let me tell you my Bestie Mikey is coming in town for this extravaganza and I really, honestly cannot wait to see him and have some good old fashion best friend talks with him, it's going to be awesome..

The summer is almost over, it seems like it just got here and I have to say although it's been rough it's been full of nice surprises and new friends and I feel like I'm getting there - you know that feeling that happens a lot when you're younger and then tapers off to maybe a twice a year occurrence - it's that great, "I have no idea where I'm going but I'm getting there!" feeling...So yay Summerer 2008! I will eat a watermelon roll from Friendlys in your honor as soon as I get back to the East Coast!

Things that are Yay!:
1) Summer Days with Friendies: I hung out with Heather today and it was just the bestest! I heart friends who you can just spend a lazy summer day with!
2)Good Theatre: A rariety (except for 2nd Story but what can i say? We are just good!) Good theatre makes me happy!

Things that are Boo:
1) Sweating for no reason

The Tide Has Come In...

Do you ever feel like you have a rush of words and stories and thoughts swirling around and sometimes it will all whoosh away and you'll have nothing eloquent or witty or even halfway non-rambely to say? That is a long way of saying that the tide of words has been out and only recently have I wanted to say, well, anything.

This summer has been much more work than any other summer - both actual, real world "wake up at 6am, christ it's early, stay at work until 6:30, god it's late" work and emotionally draining, "what is the deal with my life? why am I so fed up?" work.. Fed up is an apt description of how I feel about the dearth of words, the loss of connection I feel with friends and how unengaged I am with the theatre work I've been doing recently. It has been a bit grueling to be honest. It is "life balance" (a term that I hear more and more in the corporate world and honestly chaps my ass a bit as it aptly describes something that honestly shouldn't exist - like shouldn't work not bite into my free time and shouldn't my free time not be so much work??) It is trying to figure out if being an artist is where my head is, if what free time I do have would better serve me as actual free time. It's hard friends. This struggle between the idealist, collaborator, super excited to be there 22 year old and the exhausted, salty, just want to take a nap 28 year old.

But before this becomes an existential blather about ephemeral shit, my momma did not raise a complainer, I will regale all three of you who check my blog with this sidenote. Dave and I rode in a swan boat at Lincoln Park Zoo last week. Gasp! It was AWESOME! Part One: We biked there, which thank jeebus above because I haven't been biking enough (see paragraph above, work is sucking my time away) and I miss it. Part Two: I heart the zoo! Any zoo, even if it is the Lincoln Park Zoo which makes me a little sad, especially in the summer when all the animals look so hot and miserable. The zoo is magical, you can watch penguins and the monkeys with the weird butts and pet stinky goats...magic I say! Part Three: There are non-swan pedal boats, bypass them, as the swan is the way to pedal boat the Lincoln Park Zoo lake in style. It is romantical and also a good source of cardio exercise with the one you love. Part Four: Beware if it is hot (like it maybe was the day that we did it) because you have to wear lifejackets and you are in a giant swan that traps the heat and shoves it in your face while you madly pedal to try to get to the shade of the little island in the middle of the lake...oh, but once you get to that shade and the mad pedaling ceases, it is so sweet to drift there with the one you love, in a giant plexiglass swan while all of your worries evaporate over the long neck and beak, over the tired, hot animals and the yuppies and into the Chicago sky...Life is sweet and without all of the salt we would never know quite how sweet it was...

Things that are Yay!!:
1) My awesome manfriend and amazing friendies - Who heart me even when I can't heart myself and that is the best hearting of all!
2) Spaced - Dave picked up the dvd set of this awesome BBC comedy by the same guys who did Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz this past week...It is brilliant!
3) Pineapple Express - Saw it sneak preview style and laughed so hard I cried (and no I was not blazed, thankyouverymuch)...I think this might be the comedy of the summer.
4) New Sigur Ros Album - I would write the title but I don't know how I would begin to have the letters on this keyboard to spell it...but listen people this is the best Sigur Ros has ever been, it has all of the great melodies but minus the drone and plus a pop sensibility...AWESOMETOWN!
5) Ms. Kitty - I just realized (literally while typing this, just.this.moment) that when I whistle it drives Ms. Kitty into a fit of crazy cat love and purring, which is redonkulous and also going to be abused to no end.

Things that are Boo:(
1) iRa is deaf in one ear - My poor iPod can only play music in one ear (and yes, I tried different headphones, and no it did not help). This is maddening but what is even more infuriating is that Dave and I dragged ourselves out to the Apple Store, waited an hour to be served by a "Genius" and they don't fix this problem. Instead they suggested I turn over iRa and all 28GB of jams and assorted greatness over to them and pay $150 for a refurbished iPod...and that is when (in my brain) I punched the "Genius" in the face and started screaming...Super Boo!
2) People who Litter - Seriously, this is why we deserve the ice caps to melt. There are trash cans everywhere fucking clean up after yourselves people! P.S. Chances are that whatever you throw out of your car window I'm going to have to bike over so please have some consideration and buy one of those tiny car trashbags for cry-i-sake!

Exhausticated is a Word, Look it Up

No blogging for this working girl for a hot minute... Why? You may ask - is it general apathy, a lack of wit and wisdom (P.S. why when I hear that particular word combination "wit & wisdom" it makes me think of all of those shitty "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books - boo I say!)..No friends, it is none of the above and mostly the fact that getting to work at 8am is totes different then getting to work at 9am and these 6am mornings are wearing me down! That and the fact that at the new job I have no access to email or blogger or even gofugyourself.com which is KILLING me..Shooting me in the face with a lack of internet goodness to pick up my day.

To be honest even if I had access to internet goodness I wouldn't be able to use it because the new job is hopping. Yes, I said hopping and applied it to a job at an investment company - suck it! I've never worked someplace that is so utterly business like - like I'm Melanie Griffith in working girl but without the 80's hair, I feel lost. I am wearing nylons people - NYLONS - almost every day because that is what one must do when one wants to earn money and also have what is that stuff called?! Oh right! Expendable income... It's pretty great though, although tiring....

Last weekend I soaked up the three day long-ness of it all and did all sorts of summeresque stuff. Dave and I took the bikes out and about - which was way more fun than it should be. On our bike meandering we stopped at Penny's (BEST noodle shop in Chicago - no backtalking about it!) and had an early dinner, because we like to counteract any sort of healthy exercise benefits immediately... But, wait there's more! We sat down a table away from the guy who plays Pete on 30 Rock. Which Dave coped with well, while I madly squinted at him trying to figure out if it was really him. Whisper-talking to Dave "Is that the dude from 30 Rock? I think it is?! Is it?!?!?" Finally confirmed that it was him and immediately wanted to talk about the show.. But couldn't because Dave is sane and wouldn't take the bait to questions like "What is Tracey Jordan's porn/video game called again?" That is why we heart Dave because he keeps Heather from making a fool of herself. Long story short, biking will take you places where you will see and be seen by semi-famous really funny dudes..

Life is puttering along, I can't wait to adjust to this whole new job/new schedule thing but it's slowly but surely coming.. This weekend we are not only biking but stopping to play tennis (followed immediately after by Dairy Queen I can almost bet on it!) which makes me think it's almost summer, which is a relief and I have a feeling it's going to be a good couple of months!

Things that are YAY!:

1) The Expression Toot! Toot! It's the Party Train - accompanied by a 'I'm pulling the whistle on a train" hand gesture - sure to be annoying any day now but still so much fun to do. I have also picked up the "That's what she said" bug from Suzie which means using the phrase in the most inappropriate of times. Like at work when asked to make 20 copies...

2) Kate Atkinson - Balls out awesome writer (no not Katie Atkinson from college - Look at me! I remembered a name from college!) I've read three of her books, well devoured three of her books lately (because I'm hungry like a wolf for literature) and they are brilliant. Clever, funny and the plots are always complex without making your head hurt. I also just finished "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" by Carson McCullers and it is still haunting me...so good.

3) Biking with a cute boy! - An old favorite but coming back in style..It is so awesome sharing adventures with someone who makes you laugh while also steering you down new and interesting shortcuts...YAY!

Things that are Boo:

1) Missing Besties - It seems as though everyone I heart is in NYC or busy with a million things here in Chicago..Or maybe it's just me who is busy - I have been in a bit of a job induced haze for the past couple of weeks...Point is I miss my BFF's...Call me or I'll call you or well, you know the drill

2)Chicago Summer - Oh the humidy and horror of it all! Super Boo! Can't it just be temperate for once?!? Also, if that can happen can we also have the ocean? Thank you.

On the Cusp...

Taking a deep breath over here... Spring is always a crazy time of year - seriously, more people suffer nervous breakdowns and serious bouts of depression during the spring time than any other time because all of the blooming, the growing, the change reminds people just how stuck they are. Stuck works in the winter, it's cozy in the winter and a slap in the face on the first 70 degree day..This spring has been even crazier than usual what with the lack of serious permanent jobage and the chaos of the 2nd Story Fest (yay! we are awesome!).

I find myself drifting through the day, distracted by a million tugs on the sleeve of my subconcious. Little things have become hard to do and big things like job interviews and organizing schedules now seem so much easier than figuring out what to wear or how to keep in touch with the bajillion of friends that I no longer can keep a handle on...lameness... But, the lameness is breaking up just like the winter weather has and I find myself on the cusp of something potentially good- a job, a new one that is in a totally foreign much more corporate environment - which I'm thinking of as "Yay new environment! I will approach this like I'm Uncle Traveling Matt on the Fraggles and just observe how strange corporate shit works". To be honest I've worked in a quite a few creative offices in the past couple of years and the chance to work in an atmosphere that has honest to god rules and boundaries seems like a nice change of pace... I say this now...This is quite a big change though and it means that the "Holy shitballs! How am I going to pay my rent AND buy groceries!" worries may be over! Hoorah!

The Boy I heart and I went to the Dog Park this weekend (P.S. Big Ups to Puptown, the best dog park in Chicago !) and my head almost exploded with all of the cute dog-ness running around. Puggles and terriers and labs and golden retrievers all running in never ending circles with intermittent breaks to suck down some water. I heart going to the dog park (although not so much the dog beach because it's, well, it's kind of too much and also kind of like standing in a big pile of gross because you know that every dog that has visited has used the beach for business other than ball catching) but, I heart the dogs and not so much the people.. I mean there was a guy there this Sunday who must have just gotten his first digital camera before coming to the park because he was up in everyone's junk taking pictures, getting in the dogs ways - I mean let them have their room, it's their time! - and totally neglecting his seven year old son who was literally throwing himself around in the gravel, which is recockulously disgusting, I mean I barfed a little in my mouth... Long story short the amount of cute dogs outweighed the effects of rude folks and it made me hopeful that this summer will bring tons of surprises and more days of lazing around watching cute things run in circles...

I feel caught between places, moments, jobs, seasons right now. Life is a jig saw puzzle who's pieces almost match up and it is driving me a bit crazy. I am no good at living in the gray areas, at handling the in betweens and that is what the past few months have schooled me in. Learning to not only accept each bump in the road but also to learn from it, to trust that whatever comes along it's really not the end of the world (unless it is the end of the world - I just watched Cloverfield and that shit is scary).

Things that are Yay!:
1) The Worst Hard Time by Tim Egan - A book about the Great Depression, more specifically the Dust Bowl. I can hear you thinking "Awesome Heather! Like actual real life isn't depressing enough!" And yes, this story is depressing which is probably why I never really got all the facts about it but, it is so much more than that. It is inspiring that folks lived through four years straight of drought and dust storms, that they had the tenacity to hold on. It is also just a really great book that gives the reader all of the facts without skimping on the actual people's story... Really good! P.S. Because I'm reading this I turned to Dave during a thunderstorm last night and said "People living in the Dust Bowl fired explosives into clouds to make this sort of shit happen!" to which he replied "Nerd - O!"

2) The Bryant Park Project - NPR Podcasts how I heart you! Especially this twice a day bad boy that makes working on expense sheets twenty times easier...

3) My friend Heather - Who said "Why haven't you blogged lately?" which made my heart grow two sizes bigger because I honestly think that nobody reads this..She is amazing and I am lucky to have a friend to not only drink margaritas with but who also tells me the truth, straight up on a daily basis...She is gold!

4) 30 Rock - Lately has been too good to be true! Is it getting funnier?!? Is that even possible?!?!?

5) Curling Irons! - Used to be on my boo list because of an unfortunate curling iron accident that occurred backstage during a Betty Jane Turner Dance Recital when I was six (dancing the Can Can, might I add!) but now has rocketed to the top of the Yay! because, honestly, I have not been able to afford to get hair done and this bad boy makes it looks so bouncy like Shirley Temple! Whoot!

Things that are Boo:

1) Saying Goodbye - to all of the truly awesome, funny, creative in the best sense of the word, folks that I've worked with for the past three months... They make this job the best!

2) Starting Yet Another New Job - Makes me so nervy! Yipers!

Spring Has Sprung! And Other Nonsense...

Wow...so, how about March, huh? That's really all I have to say about the whole month that I've been away from this rambling side project of mine... March was kind of the same as right now but colder (but not by much) and with a few special guest appearances (Hi Tones - if you read this! Hi Mikey and Scott! It was great seeing you all, I miss you which is really what seeing you made me realize is that the world seems small but isn't quite small enough...come visit again!).

I am still at the temp job, plugging away. Still waiting for things to work out, for the promise of an actual position there (meep,yip, yay! Benefits and sick days and working somewhere where I heart everyone so much!) to come through...Last month I was out on interviews at least twice a week, then scheduling for the 2nd Story Festival started and now...not so much. I got three interviews in with a really nice company (located at the Opera House, which made feel very bougie bouge but, in actuality was kind of rickety and run down in a very 1950's office building sort of way - not the opera house just the office building inside of the opera house) and it was down to one other person and me and it turned out, story of my life, that she had more experience than I did.....Oh well, I guess.

I have finally finished scheduling tech rehearsals for all 100+ folks - directors, designers, storytellers - involved in this years 2nd Story Festival (well, almost finished - there is this one story that refuses to have all three people's schedules match up but it will get solved soon). I never remember how stressful it is to do, what an undertaking it is, like birthing a huge Microsoft table of a baby. We had our first Press Performance this weekend and it seems to have gone really well, which is no surprise because we rock and deliver stories and wine and live music that will make your brain explode! Buy tickets (all two people who read this blog and probably don't even live in Chicago I'm looking at you - Buy Tickets!!) www.storiesandwine.com

Enough shilling you say! Give us an update on exciting stuff like how the boy I heart and I took our bikes out finally on that one warm weekend day several weeks ago. How we biked up the river front path - which P.S. that path is a sneaky beast and will disappear on you and throw you into Devon Avenue traffic and you will be all "What, what what?!? How did I leave behind scenic polluted waterfront and end up confronting four lanes of crazy Chicago driving" - and ended up seeing the sculpture park (pretty) And THEN we went... to the mall. The ghetto fabulous Lincolnwood mall to be exact. We are from Connecticut the mall is like visiting home without the guilt, although we are both broke so it's exactly like visiting home! We had Auntie Ann's (not the full pretzel, thankyouverymuch, just the little pretzel sticks because they seemed less "I'M A BAD FOR YOU AUNTIE ANNS PRETZEL" , although if assembled I'm sad to say they probably add up to a whole pretzel..le sigh) and went to Kay's Jewelry and pretended to look at rings just to egg on the poor souls working there..I'm telling you it was good times wrapped in a 14 mile bike ride (yipes it hurt to sit, or to walk, or to even think of riding a bike the next day).

Life is puttering along. Spring seems like it will never get here and I seem endlessly tired lately... Endlessly tired and craving baked sweet potatoes, which is just weird, although not the worse thing to crave so I'm letting it slide. Things are good and getting better which is what this time of year should be about...So, Yay Spring, please get here soon, and without lots of rain, and with only sunny non-windy days so I can bike to work..Oh forget it, just Yay Spring!

Things that are Yay:
1. New Netflix Obsessions - Manor House (so they take a family and a whole cast of regular folks and make them live in this ginormous mansion and live like they are back in Edwardian times. Really upstairs/downstairs type of stuff... Totally fascinating and reality drama but with enough educational bits to make me feel less guilty. So good! P.S. midway through realized Mikey, Jess and I had watched this before (nerds!) But it was still good!) Michael Palin's Around the World in 80 Days (Mikey and I took a geography class Senior year of college and oh the stories I could tell about the shenanigans that went on but the main point is we watched a different Michael Palin traveling miniseries. So, I wanted to check this one out and now Dave and I are semi-hooked. Michael Palin is funny AND this was filmed in the late 80's which is fascinating - I mean the USSR existed, so did bad hair, like I said fascinating. Really good) From the Earth to the Moon (The HBO mini-series produced by Tom Hanks keep coming. I was obsessed by Band of Brothers, everyone who knows me has heard all about it. For some reason although this is really good, and the story of how NASA got a man to the moon is engrossing I'm just not feeling it, perhaps some limbs will start getting blown off and then I will like it as much...KIDDING!)

2. This American Life - A mainstay of the Yay! list but must be mentioned because lately it has been really good...Plus in the morning I can't stand music anymore (mayhaps I'm just becoming old or maybe I just hate the morning and loud noise makes me more conscious of it) and the length of an episode is the perfect one to get me downtown and near coffee.

3. Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler - This book kills me every time, it is beautifully written and just so true, it just tells the truth about growing up in a family with an absent dad in such a true way. I recently re-read it and fell in love again. Yay Anne Tyler!

Things that are Boo:
1. Winter weather when it's spring - It snowed this weekend people - SNOWED! I know Chicago isn't known for being a paradise weather-wise (encased meat wise on the other hand, we have it covered: brats and polish's and oh everything, I don't mean to brag..) This weather makes everyone cranky and on edge..

2. Stupid Three Trains on One Track - LISTEN CTA, this "project" which you are "working" on whereby all there train lines heading Southbound, in the morning, when we are going to work, better pay off because seriously, seriously this is suck city...

Shimmy Shimmy Ya, Shimmy Yam, Shimmy Yay

There are things that are ok to do at a temp job and things that aren’t recommended. Such as, it is alright to call people the wrong name - for you are a temp and you don’t know every person (or even the history of who slept with who and who didn’t sleep with who…which leaves you better off, because seriously office gossip is the worstest). Howevs, it is NOT ALRIGHT to play any sort of game on your desktop – I know, I too loved the solitaire and free cell – and now I love the Scrabbulous (flouncy, flouncy) but, when you are an exposed admin in a cubicle that everyone walks by you must ( I repeat MUST not) give in to the temptation… It’s hard though, really….especially on a Friday afternoon.

I had a terrible dream last night/early morning. The Boy I Heart wakes up about an hour before I have to and frequently I’ll fall into the loveliest dreams (like when Shirley Temple in “The Little Princess” dreams she’s a fancy princess – yes, dreams that good. P.S. That movie still makes me cry) and most of the time I will pass back out only to be surprised by Mexican music (BEST, Most Effective alarm clock music EVER!) what seems like five minutes later. But, today that hour seemed to stretch into a lifetime and suddenly I was in a dream that was so real, so terrifyingly weirdly real that I woke up with The Cold Sweat. I hate when this happens, don’t you? It affects the whole first part of my day because I am so slow to wake up and shake off the icky feeling that the dream evoked…Oh my God Bless America I’m now talking about my dreams….oy va voy – how 15 year old girl of me…Needless to say, the dream was that I was re-hired at my old place of employment and everything was the same (Boo!) and then everything was worse than the same….it was gross.

In better news it is about two hours away from The Weekend, which is The Best news! This week has dragged by, February seems so reluctant to let go, and every gray, snowy cold day seems to shout in my ear “February will never leave!!!” But it will leave – days are getting longer and yesterday I smelled spring – it was in the air…. I can’t wait to have a weekend packed with laziness and yummers food and all sorts of good stuff.

Things that are Yay!:

1. Trader Joe’s Tomato Bisque Soup – Also known as the only tomato soup I can stand to eat. This is creamy tomato goodness!
2. Pete Seeger – I saw a documentary on the Peeeb about the wonderous Pete Seeger this week (I think it was PBS’ “American Masters” series) and he is my new hero. End of story.
3. Seeing Old Good Friendies – I have two visits from two friends I miss with my heart and soul coming up during March… I can’t wait!

Things that are Boo:
1. The Crotches down the Street - who refuse to shovel the sidewalk or to even throw salt down…they are The Suck.
2. America’s Next Top Model – It just isn’t good this year….sad times my friends….

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

Sometimes life throws you a curveball, this is known, right? This is a cliché in the making, this still has the power to surprise me from time to time. Recently life has been a gray mix of good and bad. The winter is endless…..ENDLESS, I kid you not! Apparently this is the fifth snowiest winter Chicago has experienced since the weather service started tracking that sort of thing. It is Suck City, USA. Constantly having to wear winter clothes, giving the finger to the arctic wind while waiting to cross the street, slipping over two inches of ice covered by three inches of snow… super thumbs down. But good has been happening all around (P.S. this is usually the case, I realize this more and more as I get older, not to sound Pollyanna but for real good stuff is always happening all around us but it gets overshadowed by the bad stuff), such as what? You may ask huddled under a blanket, looking out at another gray day…Well, I’m glad you asked. My super awesome man friend (I prefer “love slave” as the correct term to call him but he balks at that so “man friend” it is, I also use the term “gentleman caller” when I’m feeling particularly swept away..) got offered a job and accepted it, which is huge – I mean ginormously awesomely huge!

The next day we heard that his best friend’s fiancée (who had only been a fiancée for a few days, and was a stage manager, and was sweet and funny and only 30) was in a coma. It’s a long terribly sad story, in fact I hadn’t used that phrase “terribly sad” in such a sincere way before this happened. She had hurt her ankle during tech, gone to the hospital to have it looked at and ended up in a coma because she had late stage leukemia and had no idea….that’s the part, the no idea, part that scares me most. We all have these secrets lurking inside of us, and we have no control over when they bloom. This weekend, I thought of my family and especially of my father who may have passed his own genetic secret on to me. We have to take care of ourselves, friends, and by we, I mean me and by taking care of ourselves I mean a whole plethora of things….Take care of ourselves and hold each other tight.

This is a bummer of a blog, I know…hmmm…let me think…Things that have made me smile lately:

1.) Barack Obama – Seriously, YouTube a speech, any speech, that Barack Obama has given lately and soak it in…The rich voice, the hopefulness that doesn’t read as hokey or trite, the electricity of change..yup I said it, the electricity of change. If that doesn’t make you smile (or cry, if say, you are like me and watching the Super Tuesday results and Barack says “WE are the ones we’ve been waiting for”)
2.) Mochi Ice Cream – I almost don’t want to post this, because then you all might go to Traders Joes and buy it…And by “it” I mean the most delicious ice cream wrapped in sticky rice that was ever dreamed of. Yay ice cream asian delites!
3.) Lost – I know it’s soooo 2002 of me to like Lost but you guys can suck it because seriously this new season of Lost is making my brain hurt with goodness!
4.) Netflix finds of recent: Lillies (BBC miniseries) – So feckin’ good! (it’s BBC Ireland so everyone has a great Liverpudlian accent)! This is the story of a family, and more specifically three sisters in said family, living in Liverpool after WWI – there is religious fervor, an illegitimate baby, a scarred navy veteran who is gay but hiding it – I mean it’s GOOD! , Band of Brothers – I rented this because of my little Ken Burn’s “The War” obsession, and I heard it was great – and it is, I mean really beautiful and touching and a ton of great actors. But, seriously, not for the faint of heart, especially for folks like me who can’t even bear to watch the fake surgery scenes on “ER”. The Boy I Heart and I watched an episode Saturday night where the writers seemed to have a vendetta against limbs because every other shot was someones legs being blown off. Howevs, this is history and it is great!, and finally “Across the Universe” which looked pretty cool (The Beatles + Julie Taymor would = awesometown, one would think) but, just tried toooo hard and had no plot and wasted good moments by making them overblown and felt contrived and did I say it was too long, well it was toooo long…

I hope you are all doing well friends – hold on to the good, and take care of yourselves, February is almost over.

Upside, Downside, Inside Out

Is it really mid-February already? Really?! I wish I had more exciting news, like " I got a job and ohmygod it's The Awesome!" but the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is the boy I love buying me the new Vampire Weekend cd which rocks my face off and has replaced the Once soundtrack as my "always on my iPod" album...it's soooo good, although it does make me wish that it was summer..

Which, since this is all one tangent of tangents anyways, can I say. That not having a stable sense of employment, trudging from interview to interview and temp job to temp job is depressing enough but, literally only having eight minutes of sunshine during the beginning part of February makes it so hard, so hard to get out of bed and keep going. February is always like this, isn't it? One long slog through endless miles of slush....

I am slogging though....I have had countless second interviews for all kinds of places, from high end to kitty litter...Yeah, that's right I interviewed for a coordinator position at a kitty litter company. The interview took two hours (which is a lot of talking about litter in relation to booking travel and organizing invoices..) and at the end of it they gave me a litter removal system of my own (gasp!). The box was almost up to my weight and about 30 pounds, which I hauled through six inches of snow on and off two trains and eventually half carried/ half dragged up the four blocks to my apartment....What a parting gift, huh? AND I didn't get offered the job, which is like insult to injury, or insult after giving a large box to someone which caused them injury (for real my arms were sooo sore the next day!)..On the bright side Ms. Kitty and Ziggy (my step-cat-children) are happy about their new plumbing system, although a bit suspect of an automatic rake that sweeps their left behinds to a secret litter compartment - it must be how humans felt at first about indoor plumbing.

I'm temping right now, with an hour and a half to go until I can run home and be lazy....the best part of a gray February day.....

Obla-di Obla-dah...

Woke up to gray, rainy weather and was glad for 2.5 seconds that I have no job to rush to in the rain. That I could enjoy falling back to sleep in such dream-y weather. Of course that meant no more sleep came and instead I lay in bed for half an hour thinking of how I would do anything for a solid, boring, show up and do mundane tasks style job. I feel like I'm floating in limbo right now and it's (surprisingly) not the best feeling in the world.

At least I have the comfort of knowing its not just me who's feeling shook up right now. Look at Britney Spear's put in the back of an ambulance her weave half falling off of her head for all of the world to see.... Listen, if I'm losing my shit in a bathroom and I know that every cameraman in town is outside my front door then I would use the bathroom as not only a "I'm losing my shit" style place but also as a "I'm losing my shit but maybe I'll primp a bit before the world sees me losing my shit" style place...I'm just saying.

Hillary Clinton got teary yesterday talking about how much she wants to be President....typical woman...I KID! But seriously, good for Hillary! It's nice to see her evoke some emotion other than "fiery passion about health care" and "lecturing about change". P.S. Who chose 'Change' as Hillary's platform? What smartass did that? Is it a joke? I mean clearly electing her would be a change from Bush (even at the basic anatomical level) but I fail to see how it would be a change in how business is done.. And Obama! Oh sweet, passionate, able to connect with people Obama. He looks more and more like Abraham Lincoln - think about it! It's true! My brother said that Obama should grow a Lincoln style beard and he would immediately get elected. He would also have to avoid all theatrical events....

I'm reading "Appetite for Life" right now. A biography of the amazing Julia Childs, who once said she wished she had a talent instead of mundane success at a variety of things. She didn't realize her talent until her mid-30's. This gives me hope and makes this rainy day pass with less anxiety...maybe I'll go back to sleep after applying for one more Executive Assistant job...

Things that are Yay!:
1. Suddenly Spring Days in January - It always happens that one or two day stretch of warm weather in the dead of winter. Un-nerving, yes but this weekend and yesterday were some of the nicest days in a long time. I rode my bike! I didn't wear a winter jacket! It was great!

2. The New American Gladiators - We must all do things we don't want to do during this writers guild strike. For me that was watching American Gladiators...and it isn't bad. In fact if you can embrace the fact that there is a Gladiator named "Wolf" who howls everytime he is seen then it's almost fun...

3. Dorothy Allison - I just read Cavedwellers and Bastard out of Carolina...phew. What challenging stories but what wonderful writing! I have to thank Aimee and Heather for cluing me in to this.

Things that are Boo:
1. Shrinking Bank Accounts - Really?! Do I need to expand upon this?
2. Crappy Temp Jobs - I had one last week, it made me want to die, then it was over...at least the temporary part of it is a Yay!
3. Missing the East Coast - In a way that makes it feel like I just moved out here. I long for familiarity for a drive to the ocean...