Light Head, Heavy Heart

What do you do when you lose something? Shouldn't there be some sort of code of humanity written saying, "Ok it happens to everyone, here is the right way to handle it." Someone I love, who has been a constant in my life is passing away right now and i wish more than anything that this, the truest and most sour part of life could just stop, just go away for a bit and give me time to get home and say my goodbyes. Loss is hard - it sets off a chain reaction of memories and feelings and I want more than anything to hobbit myself underground until it all passes. Glibness and cleverness do not live in this part of my life so this might be a bit of a downer of a blog....

I was sorting through my stuff last night (stuff is the only term I can think of that encompasses a billion journals and mix tapes and books and paintings and letters and oh, god you know stuff) and I came across a cd I made a long time ago for someone who, at the time, meant the world to me in the sense that he was the world to me and wow was I a youngie or what - that at one time that was enough - that my world could begin and end with one person and that person wasn't me - and I popped it on my stereo (iRa the iPod is still only playing in mono and I'm sorry but this girl needs a bit of stereo now and then which is why cd's were unearthed). It took me back like only music really can, it can capture a time better than a picture or words or my own memories. And suddenly I was back there, back a few years ago - living in a crappy, falling apart apartment with two of my besties living a life that seemed so complicated at the time and in retrospect was so easy...I needed that moment, that crystalline moment of memory to realize that I have gotten off the path of my life and want more than anything to be back where I was (minus the terrible boy situation, I'm so lucky not to be there anymore, I mean he's great but I'm waaay better than that situation let me be). I've decided this Fall is the Fall of Heather getting back on track, creating again whether it's taking pics with the hello kitty camera or finishing that paint by number I started three years ago (yipes!), or making collages and mix cd's again; taking time to appreciate what I have and to grow it into more...

I can hear you yawning (or maybe it was just Sasha the dog yawning, which would make more sense since she is sleeping next to me on the couch). So I will end with this tale of "Heather's Redonkulous Life." I was biking home this week (yes, biking is back - thank god or I would have no funny tales to tell) and let me tell you Blue Steel (my bikest of bikes) and I have been duking it out lately, he does not want to ride in 7th gear and let me tell you Chicago is flat and 7th gear is the only way to go (well, 8th is probably the only way to go but I am too out of shape to really test the limits of physics that way). So, I'm stopped at a stop light, gearing up for yet another gear grinding moment when I say (in a physical way, not in a verbal "look that crazy girl is talking to her bike" way) to Blue Steel "kick it into gear bitch, let's go!" and another biker pulled up near me. And I hate it, always have. I hate having to be physically active in front of anyone else, I mean it's one thing when you're at a gym b/c everyone is doing the same sort of thing, but otherwise I get all flustered and embarassed and end up falling or tripping, OR walking so quickly home from the bus stop to prove that I am as fit as everyone else that my dress gets caught up in my backpack and everyone sees my underoos (true story, happened when I was in high school, didn't realize until I got home, wanted to die)...SO, another biker pulls up and I'm gearing up to fight with Blue Steel because we are going to pull out from the light quick and prove that we are physically fit and just before the light changes I look back and the other biker is a reeeeeallly old lady who smiles sweetly at me and says hello and I said hi back, and took off down the street laughing that this is how life is, it fools us everytime....

P.S. Another example of how redonkulous my life is. I almost choked on a chocolate Dunkin Donut munchkin this week at work, and as I was gasping for air a loud firm voice said in my head "We are not dying like this! We are not dying like a punchline for a Mama Cass joke" and that my friends, that voice, saved my life...Because really?! Choking on a donut, is just one of the worse ways to go...

Things that are Yay!:

It's a pig, a pig who hates mud so they made it little green booties and god bless Jonathan for telling me about it because this makes me smile everytime I see it!



The Olympics - STILL making me nerd out and stay up waaaaay too late...

"The Last Summer of the World" by Emily Mitchell - A great book about WWI and Edward Steichen and it's historical fiction and full of moody artists and war and love and secrets and Oh! just read it because it is super good!

My Man Friend Who lets me cry when I need to and makes me smile whenever he can...the good stuff...

Things that are Boo
Wishing I could just get home already - So frustrating...